On Having a Dick Brain
And wondering what it's like to be "normal"
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After having known me for close to a decade, my ex once told me, “your brain is a dick,” and I think about that almost daily now. The accuracy. The cringe. And also the grief that came in that moment, realizing that unless lobotomized, I just have to manage it, like a chronic condition. The wondering what it must be like to be “normal,” optimistic, happy.
When given any opportunity, I will always worst-case-scenario everything; overthink and analyze the shit out of every situation; assume the worst; worry chronically so I’m not surprised by the worst possible outcome, should it happen (it almost never does); take the pessimistic view of any situation; complain and think negatively; create conflicts. There’s also the occasional slideshow of horrifying images thrown in there.
Even on days I feel happy, my brain will choose a worry from the Greatest Hits or invent some new thing to worry or stress about. If there isn’t anything really (and there almost always is), I’ll be served up a memory about something embarrassing I said 15 years ago, and I’ll cringe and quietly mutter fuck to myself.
Sounds great, right?
Unless I take regular action in various daily practices to prevent this, it will creep in and take over like an oil slick.
Add booze into the mix, which is what I used to manage my dick brain and shut off the negative feedback loop for a portion of my life, and you have a real shitstorm complete with the vicious cycle of heightened anxiety which drives more drinking to relieve it which drives more anxiety. No way the live, right?
Let’s back up, because how did I get here? Is this nature or nurture? Can brain chemistry change? Can you fix your dick brain for good?
