Hi! Thanks for reading On the Pursuit of Happiness! I work hard on these posts which sometimes let you in on vulnerable and embarrassing tidbits of my life sprinkled with a lot of helpful mental health and emotional wellness stuff and tips and things. By supporting my work, you’re helping me help other humans also. Maybe it’s time to upgrade to a paid subscription? It’s only $5/month. If you’re already a paid subscriber, thank you 🙏
Over the past few years I’ve studied and learned a lot about what makes relationships successful. There are many behaviors that strong couples exhibit, mainly recognizing each other’s “bids” for attention/connection, but being able to fight well stands out as a major advantage and even a predictor of a healthy relationship.
My past relationships included a string of recurrent fights about issues that never got resolved, like where I put my clothes (ongoing fight from my last relationship). I was usually defensive; the boyfriends ranged from gaslighters to stonewallers (shut down, avoidant). So when I learned that it is actually possible to fight right—and that it can even help your relationship— I was intrigued, because I automatically associate conflict with negativity. Conflict is the top reason couples seek help, but it’s also an opportunity for greater intimacy, deeper connection, and lasting love.
I’ve been reading Fight Right by relationship experts John & Julie Gottman (big fan of their books), so it’s got me thinking a lot about fighting, conflict, and how we fight. How we fight predicts the future of the relationship and whether it will last.
All relationships have conflict, and all couples will fight. In fact, those that don’t fight are usually two people with avoidant natures who avoid conflict at all cost, and that’s not great either. Conflict is human, and it’s necessary, according to the Gottmans. But it’s also an opportunity for greater intimacy, deeper connection, and lasting love.
Most of us don’t learn how to navigate conflict correctly. Hell, most of us aren’t even taught basic communication skills. But improving your conflicts can improve your relationship.
So what if you are able to turn conflict into a positive outcome that actually strengthens your relationship?
Why Do Couples Fight?
The 3 most common topics about which couples fight are sex, money, and children. But while fights might start out about anything—the dishes, where I put my clothes—my theory is that fights are rarely about the actual topic and are more about the power struggle or the questions underneath the conflict, which are “Do you have my back? Can I trust you? Will you be there for me?” “Do you value me? Do I matter?”
The Gottmans say the first 3 minutes of the argument sets the tone, and that the important part is how you come back together after a fight so there’s no lingering resentment.
Most fights begin with criticism; the couple turns away from or against each other (instead of toward one another); there’s defensiveness, then maybe someone starts piling on resentments, and you’re off and running.
But most successful fighters bring up an issue in a specific way: without blame, criticism or contempt. This neutralizes defensiveness. I cannot tell you how valuable it is to avoid being defensive in a conflict. In my experience (and from what I’ve read), once you or the other person starts getting defensive, defending themselves or their POV, you’re not getting anywhere until that goes away. And it’s natural when you feel you’re being attacked to defend yourself. Which is why you have to flip the usual script:
Instead of starting in with blame (“You never do the dishes!”), talk about YOUR feelings, ask questions, get curious, listen fully. We often fight to the death to defend our POV, and we don’t listen to our partner. We wait until they finish talking without truly listening to them so we can present our defense. What about considering what they’re saying + validating their feelings “I could see that; it does make sense.” You can often see the other person softening in this case.
And honestly, it feels really good when you navigate a conflict together well. It’s like you’ve both unlocked some relationship badge together.
Here’s an example: Recently my boyfriend went off on me for what seemed to be a completely trivial issue to me, and it really pissed me off. He went out for a walk and some time passed, and he apologized and explained why it had really pissed him off (which of course had nothing to do with the issue at hand but a whole other larger issue I wasn’t aware of). I thanked him for apologizing, and we chatted more about the deeper issue. And that was it; it was over. And we actually felt really good about each other when it was over.
Anatomy of a Fight, Good & Bad
As we’ve discussed, fights go bad when you start off with criticism or contempt, and that creates defensiveness and/or stonewalling. The Gottmans call these ‘The 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse,’ because they say these behaviors ruin relationships. They also say that for every 1 negative interaction you have in a fight, you need 5 positive ones to make up for it. Which, TBH sounds pretty ridiculous to me, but they’re the experts who can predict with something like 95% accuracy which couples split and which stay together within 3 minutes of observing the couple (!!!!!)
I do think that this needs to be true overall in a relationship: that for every 1 negative interaction you have, you need 5 positive ones. My past relationships have basically been the opposite of that, and when the negative outweighs the positive, people become unhappy.
So anyway, you start out with criticism. Then you want to win because you feel justified about your complaint. You lapse into the same old patterns; you both get flooded. That means you get overwhelmed with stress/anger/fear/whatever, and you can’t get anywhere at that point because stress hormones are preventing you from keeping your cool and being rational.
But starting with kindness, even when upset, is a key universal quality of the most successful couples, and it’s how you want to lead a conflict.
Here’s the template:
I feel (emotion) about (situation/problem) and I need (whatever it is you need, said in a positive tone). What’s important about this approach is you’re describing yourself and your feelings and needs rather than jumping into a conversation blaming the other person.
Here’s an example:
First, the bad—>
“You never do the dishes! Why does the bulk of the housework fall on me? I work an 8 hour day then come home and make dinner and clean while you’re just fucking around doing whatever!”’
Starting with criticism puts the other person immediately on defense: “That’s not true! I do XYZ!” etc etc. Start by describing yourself and your feelings and describe the issue without criticism or blame. Then don’t pile on other resentments.
Now, the good—>
“Hey, can I talk to you about something? I’ve been really stressed at work lately and having to come home and make dinner and do the dishes is really wearing me out. Do you think we could make a schedule where we share the responsibilities more equally?" It would really help me and take a load off my mind.”
Here, you’ve explained what’s going on (you’re feeling stressed) stated your needs, proposed a solution (could we split this more fairly, make a schedule?). Unless the other person is an absolute dick, he/she should respond more positively to this type of language.
A word about flooding: This is an actual physiological fight or flight or freeze stress response. Your stress hormones skyrocket in response to the stressor, your heart rate increases, and you stop thinking rationally as your body is literally preparing you for battle or to flee. And that’s usually what happens: You get angry and defensive when flooded or shut down completely (stonewalling).
At that point you actually do need to take a pause: “Hey, I’m feeling really upset/overwhelmed/flooded right now. Can we take a 30 minute break and come back to this?” Go take a walk or do something unrelated to the argument (meaning don’t use this time to text your friends and bitch), then come back to the discussion with a cooler head.
Some people get chronically stuck in these various zones: fight, flight, freeze, usually as a result of childhood trauma or being under periods of longterm stress. It’s a trauma response. In my experience, these people are really difficult to navigate conflict with because they’re either volatile or avoidant, and they need therapy.
And speaking of, did you know people have a particular fighting/conflict style and that also can dictate how successfully they fight? There are 3 types of conflict styles: avoiding, validating, and volatile.
Conflict Style & Why It Matters
Avoidants have a tendency to avoid conflict (shocker) or shut down in conflict. 2 avoidants in a relationship isn’t really a bad thing though, as they usually agree to disagree, and the conflict doesn’t escalate. Validating couples see each other’s POV and listen well without getting explosive. Volatile couples do get explosive, and simple conflicts escalate quickly. There’s usually yelling. But they’re able to talk vulnerably and often use humor to deescalate.
But not all these conflict styles will seek each other out, and you can end up with any number of combos. A volatile and an avoidant is the worst combo. I can speak from experience. I am a volatile, and my ex was avoidant. He could not at all deal with my animated conflict communication, and his stonewalling and tone policing infuriated me. It’s not insurmountable, but this combo will have to work harder.
I’ve also been in the volatile-volatile combo which suits me much more. It might sound crazy to say you’re happy in this combo, but this fight style understands each other and for whatever reason tends to use more humor. (I mean it sometimes is really funny when someone is losing their shit and you can’t help but laugh and they laugh and then it’s diffused).
It is important to understand your conflict style and your partner’s style, because it can help you better navigate conflict knowing someone’s tendencies. Kind of like a love language for conflict.
Other Random Tips
So basically what we’ve learned here today is that there is a better way to fight, and fighting better can actually improve your bond and your connection. We learned the formula for how to bring up or navigate a conflict, what to do if you’re flooded, and some why knowing your conflict style is important.
And remember, you can apply these tactics to any relationship, not just the romantic.
A couple other tidbits to keep in mind:
Try making conflicts better by infusing them with compliments here and there, where applicable. It’s hard to be angry when someone compliments you. You’re also supposed to touch the person, as physical contact can lower stress hormones. Like grab their hand and say something profound.
Remember to use “I” statements that don’t put the person on defense, and ask questions. Get curious about why they’re upset and work with them to resolve.
Also keep in mind that you should avoid name calling, criticizing, and “you always/you never” statements.
Now, it’s not always possible to have a good fight all the time, but how you work to repair the damage after the fight is also super important. Don’t just sweep it under the rug, because I promise you, it will come back in another form and potentially with more resentments.
To repair after a fight, talk about what went wrong and accept responsibility for your part: “I’ve been really stressed lately.” And validate the other person’s POV: “I see why you feel that way.” or “I understand that what I said was hurtful.” I find that accepting responsibility is so, so important in resolving a conflict. Even if it was the other person’s “fault,” you play a role in how the conflict escalates, and you have the power to diffuse or smooth it as easily as you have the power to escalate it.
Conflict is inevitable in this life. Take your arguments as an opportunity to learn more about each other and your relationship.